


But I Can't Help...

by Eighthofhearts



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: (the fluff I owe after all my sad boy Clay hours lol), Confessions, Established Relationship, Fluff, Healing, Love, M/M, Personal Growth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-11
Updated: 2020-05-11
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:07:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24136318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eighthofhearts/pseuds/Eighthofhearts
Summary: 'Caduceus was by no means perfect, but he was the model of a man that Fjord never knew he needed to see. He had his faults about him; his anger turned him passive, resolving him to seethe in silence while still putting on a happy face. This was a complication of Caduceus’s upbringing that Fjord did not know how to resolve and it pained him for ages that he could not do more to help the man that had helped him so.'
Relationships: Caduceus Clay/Fjord
Comments: 1
Kudos: 57





	But I Can't Help...

**Author's Note:**

> Tried to get this out for Fjorclay week, but what's a consistent writing schedule? I don't know her. Anyway, enjoy my fave soft boys!

The ease with which the moment happened all but stunned Fjord into silence. Had he really just heard him correctly? Was his mind playing tricks on him? If his lack of a response had bothered the other man, he was very good at not letting it show.

Strangely, that was one thing Fjord... admired about him, it was quite hard to ruffle Caduceus’s feathers. He knew the other man would laugh if he ever said so, probably make some remark about not having feathers to ruffle with an honest naivety that was often mistaken for ignorance. Fjord took it more as just a part of the strange firbolg’s charm. Caduceus was plenty smart, but perhaps not in a way many could appreciate. Fjord definitely appreciated it.

It may have taken some time, but Fjord was realizing that there was much about Caduceus that seemed so contradictory to how he presented himself to the world. For months he had just seen the man as the gentle healer who was perhaps a bit eccentric with his dealings with death, but now that he had the great fortune to spend so much time with him, it was boggling to see how blind he had been.

Caduceus was by no means perfect, but he was the model of a man that Fjord never knew he needed to see. He had his faults about him; his anger turned him passive, resolving him to seethe in silence while still putting on a happy face. This was a complication of Caduceus’s upbringing that Fjord did not know how to resolve and it pained him for ages that he could not do more to help the man that had helped him so.

But it was in this state that Fjord found clarity. He saw what Caduceus had been seeing for months in the faces of their friends whenever he offered them a kind word or wise encouragement during a period of distress. He was amazed at how quickly Caduceus had worked in finding his answers for the group, it seemed almost second nature to him, and that’s because it was.

Emotion was not something Caduceus saw as a burden, an obstacle to overcome in finding strength. He always encouraged others to speak freely and not let emotions be a hindrance. Emotions were meant to be felt, we were allowed to be upset, frustrated and even sad. Why then did this not apply to him? That was what Fjord could not wrap his head around.

Listening to his wise musings for only a short time had all but changed Fjord entirely, greatly for the better. So how had a lifetime of dispensing the very wisdom that he needed fallen deaf to his own ears? This was something Fjord was more equipped to deal with. It was easier to lead through a pretty turn of phrase rather than by actually acting by your word.

///

As twilight approached and the coastal sky dimmed, a soft lull fell upon the chateau that the Mighty Nein had once again taken rest in. It was not a normal occurrence for the usually bustling chateau to fall silent, but the business’s main source of life was out on a (less than usual) reluctant night on the town with her daughter and her friends. Caduceus had opted to stay in, not feeling much up for galavanting with the group. At the decline of the offer, Fjord knew it was the perfect time for them to talk.

In a place like the chateau, it was not necessary for the group to double up on rooms, but Caduceus and Fjord often did, for obvious reasons. However, upon approaching his own shared room with two mugs of tea in hand, Fjord felt himself hesitate. He could just enter normally with the appearance of having no ulterior motive, but somehow he felt wrong in what he was about to do.

But Caduceus deserved to feel okay, that he knew for certain. The man he so deeply adored, the one he was now blessed to call his, he deserved to be heard too. He deserved to know that his feelings matter too. Fjord huffed a breathy laugh to himself as the thought dawned on him, amazed at the growth in his own emotional intelligence. It wasn’t even intelligence, really, but simple cognizance. It was so easy to just ignore all those signs that would eventually lead to talks Fjord wanted nothing more than to avoid. 

Six months ago, the same man would’ve shoved even the simplest discomfort down to put on a brave face and lead his friends. Now, here he was, bringing his boyfriend a cup of tea on a cozy night in, letting himself feel good and not ashamed of what he once would have considered weakness. It is not weak to be soft, he thought, it actually takes a great deal of strength. At least, it had for him, to get past a lifetime of neglect of the person he truly could be. This is not the man Fjord could have ever envisioned himself to become, and yet...

Holding the tray in one hand, Fjord rapped a knuckle against the wooden door to announce his arrival before entering. The room was dimly lit, a faint glowing fireplace illuminating the northern part of the room. In the southern half, the sweet firbolg man lay resting on the shared plush king bed, tickled by the edges of the fire light. Fjord could tell he was not asleep by the soft shifting of his features, it was most likely that he was deep in thought. Still, Fjord thought it rude to interrupt, crossing the room quietly and leaving the tray of tea on a side table.

Waiting for an opportune moment to talk, Fjord stepped over to the hearth, inside the warm fire crackled and popped. It was by no means cold in Nicodranas at the moment, or practically ever, but there was a certain comfort Fjord had found in having the fire lit. He leaned against the brick mantle, the fire getting almost too close for comfort. Still, he stared on, appreciating the beauty of it, strengthened with his newfound sense of the world.

“I’m not equipped to deal with burns tonight.”

Fjord turned at the sound of the voice, Caduceus was now sat up in the bed, eyes still closed and a gentle mischievous smile plastered across his face.

“How did you...” Fjord began, but then realized who he was talking to. Chuckling, he walked back over to the side of the bed. Caduceus did not stir at the sound of the approach, but even Fjord could see the slight blush that rose to his cheeks and happily twitching ears as he crept up. Gently, Fjord placed a hand on his partner’s cheek, turning his head to face his own. Fjord couldn’t help the butterflies that fluttered through his stomach at the sight of that goofy, blissful smile, but he wasn’t going to hide it either. Gently scratching the side of Caduceus’s jaw, Fjord leaned in and placed a tender kiss on the other man’s forehead, letting it linger for a moment or two.

Leaning up ever slightly, Fjord began, “If you will indulge me, may we move to the sofa?”

Caduceus nodded simply, his large purple eyes fluttering open as he stood. Fjord took his hand and led the pair over to the soft, red velvet upholstered couch at the center of the room, the fire illuminating and warming it from a safer distance. A moment of silence hung in the room as the pair took a seat, Fjord trying desperately to not let his palpable nervousness show. That was near impossible when faced with the likes of Caduceus.

“Is everything alright?”

Fjord looked up at that gentle face, the eyes slightly dotted with worry. He didn’t want him to worry. Still holding his love’s hand, Fjord began to nervously rub circles into the other’s palm, breathing in time with the languid movement.

“Nothing is wrong, per se,” a beat, “I just wanted to talk.” 

“Of course,” Caduceus's features melted into a goofy smile that made Fjord’s heart flutter, aching with the desire to kiss him again. But he mustn’t, he had come here for a reason, he couldn’t allow himself to get distracted, or to back down.

“You’re beautiful, you know that, right?”

Caduceus’s eyes widened with surprise. After a moment, his brow knitted, but the smirk across his face held back any worry that Fjord’s statement had been ill-taken. “Is that what you wanted to talk about?” Caduceus finally asked as he stifled back a chuckle.

“In a way... yes,” Fjord began again, trying to sound more resolute, “but I do not mean it simply in vain. Yes, you have beautiful eyes, and a gentle face and a warm smile that brightens even the darkest day...” Fjord paused, once again getting lost in his desire, “but that’s not the point. The point is that you also have a beautiful, kind soul, a soul that he seen and done so much, constantly giving and giving to others. It’s one of the things that I admire so greatly about you, but you see, there’s one thing that confounds me. Everyone can see just how lovely and compassionate you are... why can’t you see that?”

The look of confusion that overtook Caduceus’s face was more hardset than his previous, here he was genuinely lost about what the other man was getting at. He lowered his head towards his chest, a curtain of long, pink hair falling over his face. His eyes darted for a moment, attempting to piece through whatever meaning he could find.

A sharply clawed crooked finger found its way under Caduceus’s chin, lifting his head to meet Fjord’s gaze. Fjord’s free hand tucked the fallen hair behind one of Caduceus’s ears, a single lock left sweetly hanging over his eyes. “Do not look so alarmed, I only bring this up because... because I care about you, because you are so kind and giving and you deserve tenfold, and so much more, given back to you, but... I sense that you don’t think that. I see you when you think no one is looking, I noticed when the mention of your family used to make you go quiet. I may not be very perceptive, but I notice when you are hurting.”

Caduceus took the hand underneath his head, gently unfurling the fingers to place a kiss on Fjord’s open palm before placing the hand against his cheek.

“I want to help, it pains me to see you hurt. You’ve done so much for me, let me do this for you,” Fjord tried not to let the small sob forming in his throat become audible, caring less about the gentle tears that began to well in his eyes. 

Caduceus lay silent for a moment, still holding Fjord’s hand against his cheek, nuzzling into his warm skin. His eyes opened a crack and stared down at the couch they shared.

“I love you.”

The ease with which those words were said all but stunned Fjord into silence. Had he really just heard him correctly? Was his mind playing tricks on him? If his lack of a response had bothered Caduceus, he was very good at not letting it show. He simply continued nuzzling into the hand on his cheek, rubbing the back of the hand with his own.

“You don’t need to say anything,” Caduceus finally broke the silence after a minute, which felt so much longer to Fjord, “and don’t think I am saying this to cast your fears aside, I just needed to tell you. I love you and I’m grateful that you care so deeply about my well being, even if you don’t...”

“I love you, too... Caduceus,” a pause, “Truly, I do. Those are not hollow, parroted words.”

Caduceus’s eyes fell closed once more. “I believe you,” he spoke softly, “you are a man who does not take words lightly.”

“Then you know that I’m serious when I say I want to help you,” Fjord placed his free hand upon Caduceus’s other cheek, his purple eyes fluttering open once more and meeting Fjord’s loving gaze, “You have helped me grow so much, more than you could ever know, in these last few months, but I am not simply repaying a debt. I’m doing this... I’m doing this because I _do_ love you, Caduceus Clay. Let me help nurture your garden as you have nurtured mine.”

Caduceus cocked an eyebrow at Fjord’s choice of phrase, snickering but nodding all the same. Ecstatic, Fjord moved in and kissed his lover as if it were his first time, passionate and fueled by the fireworks exploding in his mind and heart. Dragging away from his lips, Fjord leaned into Caduceus’s chest, warmed by the sound of his excitedly flittering heartbeats. The pair laid still and quiet, Caduceus hugging Fjord close, his fingers gently scratching Fjord’s scalp. They watched as the fire crackled, its warmth only adding to the serenity they were sharing. 

Caduceus was the first to break the silence after some time, beginning to hum as his fingers lazily played with Fjord’s hair. It wasn’t long before the humming turned into actual song, Fjord reveling in the rumbling of Caduceus’s chest as his deep baritone filled the room, despite the gentleness of his voice. 

“ _... but I can’t help... falling in love with you._ ” 

**Author's Note:**

> Come talk to me on tumblr @Lesbeauan


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